50 bad maths and programming jokes

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Noon van der Silk

For the past few months at work we’ve been putting up a Chalkboard in front of the office with jokes on it.

Today marks the 50th joke, so to celebrate I’m writing up the complete list. Most of the jokes here were ones we made up without looking at the internet; but occasionally, in an effort to have two new jokes every day, we picked some classics.

Q: What kind of parade did the astronauts throw for the computers after the mission?

A: A Turing tape parade!

Q: Why was the maths book sad?

A: It had too many problems.

Q: What did the AI say to the category theorist?

A: Does not commute!

(from Andy Kitchen)

Q: How did the OR programmer solve a MIP while also eating?

A: By using a brunch and bound technique.

[“hip”, “hip”]

Q: What do measure theorists and programmers have in common?

A: They both enjoy continuous integration.

Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.

Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?

A: It had a virus.

Q: Why wasn’t the complex beer successful?

A: People had trouble ordering it!

Q: Why did the functional programmer return her TV?

A: Because it was immutable.

Q: What do ruby and librarians have in common?

A: They both have explicit return policies.

A shepherd was out in the field counting her sheep; she counted 96 but when she rounded them up she had 100.

(from Two Lost Boys)

Q: Why was the computer owner so successful at sheep husbandry?

A: She had excellent RAM.

Q: Why couldn’t the formal system complete it’s homework?

A: It was trying to be consistent.

404: Joke Not Found.

Q: How does a lumberjack mathematician cut down trees?

A: With her Axiom.

Q: Why did the programmer go to her bookshelf before leaving her house?

A: She needed to get her keys from the dictionary.

Q: Why don’t you want to fight an OR consultant?

A: They are experts at duals.

Q: What did the Linux system administer for the programmer’s head cold?

A: Sudo ephedrine

Q: How did the physicist fix her car when it was failing intermittently?

A: She used statistical mechanics!

Q: Why was the bad python programmer so rich?

A: Because everytime his code failed he got a raise.

Q: What do python programmers and event planners have in common?

A: They both like to decorate functions.

Q: Why is 0 the boss?

A: Because no other number can go above it!

Q: What did the mathematician say when they discovered a new prime number?

A: That’s odd.

Q: Why did the low-rank matrix go to the psychologist?

A: Because it was having an identity crisis!

Q: What is a floating point numbers favourite type of tennis?

A: Doubles!

Q: What does a blender and the Kalman filter hav in common?

A: They both perform a smoothing function!

Q: What is the mathematicians favourite kitchen item?

A: Derivasieve.

Q: Why don’t elephants use computers?

A: Scared of the mouse.

Q: Why was the OR consultant unwell?

A: She want on a benders.

Q: What is a statisticians favourite genre of music?

A: Drum and Bayes.

Q: What is a pet store operatores favourite state in a multiplayer game?

A: The Parrot optimal state.

Q: What is the enterprise java programmers favourite business book?

A: Scalaing up!

Q: What function is a tree hugger most concerned by?

A: log(n).

Q: What is a garbologists favourite optimisation problem?

A: Bin packing.

Q: What is a choirs favourite design pattern?

A: The Singleton pattern!

Q: What do you call a mathematician that has lots of statues in her garden?

A: Polygnomial.

Q: What do fashion designers and Haskell programmers have in common?

A: They love pattern matching!

Q: How did the mathematician impress at the dance party?

A: By showing off her step function!

No joke provided; the Curry-Howard isomorphism allows us to generate a programming joke from the maths joke.

Q: Why was the mathematician unhappy when she turned 24?

A: She now had a lot of factors to consider.

Q: Why was the programmer so poor?

A: Syntax.

Q: Why was the ML programmer late to the conference?

A: She spent too much time in the “train” stage.

Q: What number is good value?

A: 241

Exercise: What number is best value?

Q: Why couldn’t the python programmer get into her house?

A: Key error.

Q: How did the programmer get out of the deep end of the pool?

A: She made a pull request!

Q: Why was the ML researcher tired of shopping?

A: She was overfitting.

Q: How did the programmer get to the bottom of the ocean?

A: By sub-routine!

Q: How do you order citrus?

A: Use the real number lime.